SID: Hello. Sid Roth here with Craig Hill. What a title, Craig. “Two fleas and No Dog” transforms your marriage from fleadom to freedom. What are you talking about?
CRAIG: Well for years I threatened to write a book by the title, Sid. And the reason is I found so many people before they get married they’re like a flea. Now the flea is an animal that’s looking for a host animal like a dog it can life off of and just get all its needs met emotionally, physically and all kinds of ways. And I found that many, many people when they get married did not realize that when they married they actually were a flea. Because after they get married, they’re thinking, where’s the dog? Where’s that person that was so kind to me, so nice to me that I liked being with so much. And after they get married what happens is they find out the other person, the person they married actually they thought you were the dog. They thought you were the one that they were going to be drawing all the life from. And what’s actually happened is the people that have gotten married to, and this is true in many cases, we now have two fleas and no dog both trying to suck the life out of each other, and of course no fleas have any life.
SID: And for seven years that’s what happened in your marriage.
CRAIG: It really did happen in my marriage. I didn’t realize I was a flea, Sid, when I got married. You know what my experience of marriage was in the first seven years, I felt like Jan, my wife, was frequently unhappy with me. She was irritated with me. She was angry with me and I felt like I was just displeasing to her in so many ways. And I tried everything I knew to do to please her unsuccessfully. Couldn’t understand why.
SID: But then you understood supernatural communication and you found there are two levels of communication.
CRAIG: That was a breakthrough, huge breakthrough in our marriage when I discovered that there’s sort of a superficial level I’ve come to call the topical level of communication. And underneath all topical communication is what I call relational communication. Now topical are issues that we discuss in marriage, for example, where are we going to live? What cars are we going to drive? How are we going to discipline our children? Our sexual relationship. This is topical communication. But underneath all that is relational communication, which are messages we send to one another in the realm of identity regarding value, meaning without realizing it, we’re sending messages to other people all the time, you’re worthless or you’re valuable. And what I find happens in a marriage is without realizing it, husbands and wives are sending a message back and forth to each other, you’re valuable or you’re worthless, and they don’t realize it. They don’t know it.
SID: Well let’s take a look at this right now, a real life situation. Let’s go to that State Fair right now.
[background carnival music]
MALE: Guess the number, win a prize. Guess the number, win a prize.
TOM: You want to play a game?
GIRL: Yeah!
TOM: Okay.
[phone ring]
TOM: Hello
SUE: Hey honey, how are you doing? I was just checking in.
TOM: I’m doing great. Emily, keep an eye on your sister.
SUE: Where are you?
TOM: The girls talked me into coming to the State Fair.
SUE: What?
TOM: The State Fair.
SUE: I heard you. Why would you do that?
TOM: The girls were begging me. It was nice out, so we came.
SUE: I wish you would just stick to a plan.
TOM: What plan?
SUE: We’ve been going to the State Fair as a family for over four years and, you know, you just would have thought that maybe you could have included me in on it.
TOM: Well how could we? I mean, you’re not even here. I mean, you’re away at your retreat.
SUE: What’s that suppose to mean?
TOM: It means I’m here watching the kids and you’re off with your girlfriends.
SUE: My girlfriends? You volunteered to do this.
TOM: Yes, so you could go away on your whatever weekend.
SUE: Tom, why the State Fair? I mean, when I’m out of town for the weekend you would think for once you could think about somebody other than yourself.
TOM: Look, I didn’t even want to come.
SUE: Oh yeah right.
TOM: I wanted to stay home and watch the football game with the guys, but I’m here. I was just thinking of the girls.
SUE: Yeah right, but you weren’t thinking of me, were you?
TOM: I would have thought you’d be happy I wanted to spend more time with them. Instead you’re criticizing me just like you always do.
SUE: I do not always criticize you.
GIRL: Come on, Daddy, let’s go to the Ferris wheel.
SUE: Tom.
TOM: I gotta go.
SUE: Tom?
FEMALE: Hey Sue, are you coming?
SUE: Yeah, I’m coming.
TOM: Come on, girls.
SID: Now that is supernatural miscommunication. Let’s see what’s going to happen if it’s done right.
MALE: Guess the number, win a prize! Guess the number, win a prize!
[phone ring]
TOM: Hello.
SUE: Hey honey, how are you doing? I was just checking in.
TOM: Doing great. Emily, keep an eye on your sister.
SUE: Hey, where are you?
TOM: The girls talked me into coming to the State Fair.
SUE: What?
TOM: The State Fair.
SUE: I heard you. Why would you do that?
TOM: The girls were begging me. It was nice out, so we came.
SUE: I wish you would just stick to a plan.
TOM: Are you upset?
SUE: Yeah, I’m upset. I mean, we’ve been going to the State Fair as a family for over four years and you just could have thought of me.
TOM: Sorry honey. I didn’t realize how much it meant to you.
SUE: Well it’s just that you picked the weekend I was away.
TOM: You’re absolutely right, honey. I’m really sorry. It wasn’t that I wasn’t thinking about you. I love you. You know I enjoy doing things with you and the family, right?
SUE: Yeah, I know. I guess I just, you’re there with the girls and I just felt like you didn’t want
me there.
TOM: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We had so much fun last year I knew it would be a hit. Truth is, it’s just not as much fun without you here.
SUE: Yeah, we did have a lot of fun. I just wish I was there with you and the girls.
TOM: Me, too. Hey listen, I heard that this new ice skating, ice princess show was coming into town?
SUE: Really?
TOM: Yeah. Why don’t we all go as a family.
SUE: Tom.
TOM: Yeah?
SUE: You really are a great dad.
GIRL1: Come on, Daddy, let’s go to the Ferris wheel.
GIRL2: Yeah, come on!
TOM: Okay. Hey, I gotta go. I love you.
SUE: I love you, too, honey. Bye.
TOM: Okay girls, let’s go.
GIRL: Yeah!
FEMALE: Hey Sue, are you coming?
SUE: Oh yeah, I’ll be right there.
SID: Now I like that. I like happy endings. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But my guest, Craig Hill, says when you’re involved in these type of relationships, it was relation not topical. There was even a better way to handle.
CRAIG: Yeah, you know, what I found, Sid, is that everybody wants to be made to feel valuable. Husband wants to be valuable. Wife wants to be valuable. Here’s the problem. The problem is I don’t know and didn’t know for seven years what would make my wife feel valuable. She didn’t know what would make me feel valuable. So we did the wrong thing and stumbled into situations like that all the time. This poor man is just trying to take his girls to the State Fair and yet finds his wife accusing him. Why? He sent her a message, you have no value, and didn’t know he sent her that message. Now I believe there is something supernatural behind that that promotes that kind of thing where people don’t realize it. And then she sent him back a message, you’re worthless, you have no value, and she didn’t know she was doing that. And so what does make a woman feel valuable? Those are the supernatural keys that I found that I wrote in the book. What makes a woman feel valuable? What makes a man feel valuable and is it possible for us to convey those things on a relational level which changes everything.
SID: And the thing that I saw in that is that if that ending hadn’t changed that couple was headed towards divorce. Don’t go away. We’re about ready to see some keys to supernatural communication. Be right back.